Fuck You Cancer!!

My oldest, dearest friend, Debbie is fighting Stage IV Urothelial Cancer. I’m so fucking angry. Like DEFCON-5 enraged that someone as amazing, gentle, sweet, hilarious, generous and beautiful could be struck down with this God awful piece of shit disease. I have lost family members to the big C, and it was excruciating to watch Cancer sucks the very soul out of their pain ravaged, frail bodies. By the time that they were mercifully called HOME to much deserved Glory, I was literally on my knees praying and begging for their for suffering to end. My bestie and I are the same age, both with precious brand new grandbabies whom I naively assumed that we’d watch grow up as we grew older. Fucking TOGETHER. I think part of the reason I’m so angry is because her illness is making me face my own immortality and that scares the fuck out of me and makes me want to put my psychiatrist on speed dial because the mere notion of watching someone I’ve loved as a sister since we were thirteen years old suffer so unrelentingly has my BPD on red alert as it endlessly screeches “DISASSOCIATE,” in my mind, but I will not. No matter what. I will have her back exactly as I have had it for the past 29 years.

The worthless, self serving, dog and pony show of a god damn government and literal American hating Congress needs to stop worrying about what Melania wears, what President Cheeto Tan says or what AOC and her nutjob “posse” thinks and fund the FDA with an enormous budget so that diseases like cancer, cystic fibrosis, ALS, Alzheimers, Autism, MS, Lupus, Diabetes, Heart Disease, COPD, Fibro, PTSD, Schizophrenia, Bi-Polar and Manic Depression can be eradicated. I wish this with every fiber of my being. It won’t EVER happen though because Big Pharma has Washington in its very wealthy, very deep pockets.

FDA Person #1: Hey I know tens of millions of people are dying of above mentioned diseases every single day. That’s so tragic.

FDA Person #2: Yes, it really is sad. Hey, how far along are you on that new medicine that gives 95 year old men powerful erections?!?!

What in the fucking fuck?

The following is a text conversation between my heart, Debbie, and myself.

FUCK YOU CANCER!!

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Sunshine Blogger Award

https://astridetal.wordpress.com/2018/08/27/sunshine-blogger-award/

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Thank you so very much, Astrid @amultitudeofmusings for nominating me for The Sunshine Blogger Award. What an honor❤️

The Rules

    • Thank to the person that nominated you.
    • Link the post back to them.
    • Display the picture on your post.
    • Answer their questions.

DM’s Questions

1. What is your biggest fear?
Losing my husband

2. What would you like to achieve with your writing?
I initially started blogging as a form of therapy for my Borderline Personality Disorder, I’ve journaled my entire life but this is my first attempt at writing a blog.  I NEEDED to tell my story but it had to be the raw, real, unvarnished, imperfect story of me.

3. On a scale from 1 (hell would be better) to 10 (everything is more than perfect), how satisfied are you with your life right now and why do you think so?
Today it’s an 8 but the day before yesterday it was -2.  In a couple of hours I could be a 3.  Or a 10.  The thing about Borderline Personality Disorder is that your life is always an adventure.

4. What is the first thing you do every morning?
Coffee, the nectar of the gods of course.  As soon as this magical potion gets my eyelids above half mast, I read my feed on WordPress, of course.

5. How do you like to spend your weekends?
My preferred way to spend my weekend is cuddled up with my husband and binge watching Game of Thrones reruns.  I’m also a voracious reader of non fiction.  We also visit our parents, try to catch up with our adult children and see the grandbabies when any of them can pencil us in to their busy schedules.

6. What are you grateful for?
My husband, our children, our families and my blog.  It has brought me a tremendous amount of peace and healing but most importantly I am grateful to my new blogger friends whom I consider extended family who are so supportive and understanding.

7. What things do you have on your bucket list?
I can’t really say that I have a bucket list because dealing with the myriad of symptoms with my BPD is a day by day, sometimes hour by hour battle. When you have this disorder it is imperative to live in the moment.  No past. No future. Just right now.

8. What’s the craziest dream you ever had?
The craziest dream I’ve ever had is that I was a Congress woman.  The reason why it’s crazy is well….read my blog.  If not for the mental illness, my husband having an affair, or my childhood abuse skeletons in the proverbial closet, it would be my foul language (which for the record in my opinion are just extremely colorful adjectives) that would get me excommunicated, impeached, unpeached or whatever the hell it’s called when Congress runs one of their own off faster than you can say Bibbity Bobbity Boo.

9. What’s your core belief?
Half of the time I’m not even really sure who I am.  I would say that all people have the capacity to love.  There is so much violence, anger and divisiveness in our society today that I think most people have lost sight of the bigger picture;  United we stand, divided we fall.

10. What is your biggest desire?
To feel worthy,  to feel comfortable in my own skin, to love and to be loved unconditionally without restraints or reason.