Jesus Christ, Jack Sprat and Jason Bourne

I was flat on my back after my spinal tap. The arrogant young doctor insisted I stay in that same position for the next five hours so I did not develop a colossal headache. Right about that time I realized I had to use the restroom and it was going to be a deuce.

So of course when the doctor asked if I had any questions, noticing he was at least 15 years younger than me, HAD to have been straight out of med school, and my puckered asshole had to have a better bedside manner than this douche, I decided wickedly to rattle his chain a bit.

I replied with what do I do if I have to drop the “Browns” off at the “Super Bowl, homie”? His fucking eyes almost popped out of his head, he sneered at me and said, “I beg your pardon? Also the name is Dr. Browning and I am NOT your homie, I’m your doctor!”

Oh hell to the NAW!!! I, by this point was so pissed off I responded scathingly with, “I don’t care if you are Jesus Christ, Jack Sprat or Jason Bourne, mother fucker, NO one is talking to me like that, so unless you want me to take an enormous shit right here on these super luxurious sheets that the fuckers up in the Accounting department charge me $300 a night for, someone best help me upright and get me to a toilet. Fucking STAT!”

I got help to the toilet in time, Dr. Browning passed my case off to a colleague, because he refused to step back in my room because I had also previously told him if he even thought about trying to come back in that I would crap in my hand and fling my own shit at him.

Moral of this story?

Don’t fuck with The Bella when she’s got a deuce prairie dogging her asshole😂😂😂😂😂

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It’s Easy To Be Extraordinary In A Society That Encourages Mediocrity

Participation medals, high schools not having Valedictorians because it makes others “feel bad” about themselves, the ACT test adding extra criteria in the scoring process so more “diverse” people will be accepted into college. Are they fucking serious?!?? My son worked so hard in high school in Advanced Placement Courses that he was a sophomore in College by the time he graduated high school and was also given a full Presidental Scholarship to at least five different colleges and was also Valedictorian of his class. I wish those snowflake fuckfaces would have tried to take that hard earned honor from my baby.

Do you know why he excelled academically? Because he worked his fucking ass off and put his social life on the back burner. Even in high school he knew that being a social media hot shot would NOT pay his bills in the future. He has worked towards his dream of being a doctor since 1st grade. He made straight A’s his entire school career and graduated at the top of his class in pre-med Summa Cum Laude this May, all the while being the president of his fraternity, President of the entire Greek Council, worked THREE jobs and still graduated with honors. He was obviously accepted into med school, just got his first year class schedule and is finally realizing his dream. Not by having extra points on his ACT which he made a 35 on (36 is a perfect score) BECAUSE he was focused, ambitious and worked hard for 16 years to get there.

Mediocrity is celebrated and promoted by all of these Progressive Lawmakers and whiny snowflakes that want something for nothing. Even good grades and automatic college admission, but can some one PLEASE tell me how by progress you mean making everyone the same, like oatmeal or like we say in the South, “grits y’all “.

Now most of this whole generation think that they are hot shit on a silver platter, but someone (I totally volunteer) to burst their stupid mediocre bubble and let them know that they are only cold turds on a paper plate.

Exceptional and Extraordinary MEANS going above and beyond you fucking jackasses. In this world their are Winners and their are losers, snowflakes. So suck it up buttercups, get the fuck over yourselves and put forth some effort!!

7 Things That Truly Happy People Don’t Care About

1. What other people think

At the end of the day, happy people don’t care what other people think of them. They don’t care about the expectations of others because they’ve made themselves happy. Happiness comes from within.

2. Their past mistakes

Yeah, past mistakes stink. It’s important to remember them, to remember what happened, but happy people don’t dwell on them. They grow from their mistakes and move on.

3. Their failures

Same thing with past mistakes. You can grow and learn from failures, but happy people don’t dwell on it. It’s in the past.

4. What they don’t have

Happy people are largely able to look at the things they do have and feel grateful.

5. I’ll be happy when

Happy people are happy now! Anything awesome that comes in the future will be the cherry on top of their happiness sundae.

6. Their regrets

We all regret things, but happy people got that way because they were able to move on. In the end, their regrets do nothing but hold them back.

7. All of society’s expectations

Kind of ties into number one. Society expects so much of us.

It wants us to go to school, get a husband or wife, get a great job, buy a house, do all the things, and then quietly die without so much as a heavy sigh.

But happy people don’t care about any of that.

Peeing, Vagina Costumes and My Right To Bear Arms

I know I’m waaayyy out of line in my A-Z Challenge. I tried and I failed miserably at keeping up. Doing things on a “schedule” has never been a very strong personality trait of mine. On the other hand I’ve realized and accepted that I’m a flawed human being and I’m cool with that.

Aaahhh, P, not the letter. The urine variety. I recently noticed when some of you have me doubled over in fits of giggles with your posts and/or comments, I tell you I think I pee’d a little, I AM NOT speaking metaphorically.

I realized just how many times a day I say this and what normally causes it (for the record I change clothes in the event something like this happens. I don’t walk around pissy all day). The main causes seem to be laughing, sneezing, coughing, straining to hard when I yell FUUUCCCCKKK at the top of my lungs, hiccuping and God Forbid, I have Poot Wars: Legion of Doom with my teenagers (yes I’m the coolest mom EVER, although my kiddos would surely debate that) I might as well put on fucking Stage 47 Pampers Waddlers. If I’m straining that hard there’s DEFINITELY going to be pee involved.

This morning as I was mulling this over in my crazy mind, I had a revelation of sorts. That we woman, as a gender have so many more indignities (natural and otherwise) inflicted on our persons during the course of our lifetimes than our male counterparts.

There is menstruation, the blossoming of bosoms, Pap smears, annual gynecological visits, childbirth (hence the peeing).

Men try pushing something the same weight as a small bowling ball out of anywhere south of your belly button. Unmedicated. Then we can compare war stories.

After child bearing and rearing years comes the annual mammograms (bro’s stick your twig and berries between two flat plates and squeeze just a little to have a tiny inkling of what that’s like), because these people are not just putting a ladies breast in between those plates, those cruel fuckers are pulling back fat around front and everything.

Then comes the peeing every time you make a move and then the mother of ALL indignities, Menopause. Just because women of a certain age normally speak of this in hushed tones amongst ourselves does not mean it is to be taken lightly. Actually we huddle together and speak of it quietly because menopause is Lucifer, Māra or Iblis depending on ones beliefs. We do not want to bring this evil thing up from the fiery depths by speaking its name too loudly.

Hot flashes?!?! If you ever want to know what being roasted alive on a funeral pyre or spending at least 10-60 minutes in actual hell feels like, have one of these. Simply put, hot flashes are the devil. So by my age us women are having annual intrusions in our lady bits, boob squashings and hot flashes. If that is not enough indignities, around this time in life most women have to start having colonoscopies as well and if you are a gentleman that’s 40ish or older you are probably at least familiar with this one. So next time one of you guys is feeling icky about some “medical” procedure, just reread this blog post.

I should think that having another man softly cradling your balls and telling you to cough every so often for a physical or an after 40 occasional lubed, gloved finger gently inserted into your butthole qualifies you guys to bitch about ANYTHING ever again.

Disclaimer:

This excludes any of you fellows with legitimate medical complications or chronic health issues. I’m speaking in generalities about Mr. Everyday Joe (the ones that generally do the MOST bitching about anything medically related).

I’m not some raving, lunatic feminist as I’ve never marched in Washington, DC dressed as a giant vagina. As a matter of fact I thought that was the most idiotic shit I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Just think of the outcry if men wore hats with balls and a penis sticking off the top of them to protest something. Jesus Christ, it would be complete and utter anarchy.

Before any raving, lunatic feminists or anyone else that does not like my opinion try to attack me or mine by surrounding my home and trying to scare me by acting like a bunch of assholes let me warn you, if you are in my yard I will drop every one of you like a sack of of shit with my LTL “beanbag ammo” (don’t let the cute name fool you, anything coming out of a 12 gauge shotgun at 205 mph will make you rethink your position, quick, fast and in a hurry). For any slow learners that actually have the audacity and ignorance to break in and actually make it inside my home, it’s open season on you fuckers. My newest baby is a Smith & Wesson Model 500 X-frame revolver. For those of you that are unfamiliar with firearms this is one badass MoFo for one badass bitch that got knocked asshole over elbows the first few times at the range but has become quite accurate since. This gun is not for the faint of heart. I’m a southern girl from a long, long line of military and Law Enforcement Officers. I’ve been familiar with and shooting firearms since I was 10 years old. I’m an expert marksman and a FIRM believer in my 2nd Amendment rights as a US Citizen. So in closing for any nutjobs out there….PLEASE, PLEASE Come at me, bro!!

I apologize for straying so far from my original blog topic, but as I was voicing my opinion about the vagina costumes, I started thinking about all of the elected officials being run out of public establishments or having their homes surrounded (Tucker Carlson, with his wife and children inside) by ignorant assholes that think that there can be only one opinion. Theirs.

Hence the anger and tirade. I can assure you that no one is running my ass out of anywhere for having a fucking opinion. Corner me and my fight or flight instinct kicks in and since I weigh entirely too much to take flight, that’s ass if anyone actually makes an unauthorized entry INTO my dwelling intent on harming my family or myself.

*rant over*

Happy Thursday Y’all♥️

Deb, The Long Goodbye

This is a photo of myself and my BFF, Deb, taken a little over five years ago.

That night as we sat sipping our beers, listening to some great music and shaking our tail feathers and laughing until we cried because we are both people watchers and HUGE smart asses and boy did we have a plethora of drunk assholes and desperate whores to make fun of that particular evening.

Who would have EVER fathomed just a few short years later, I would be watching her die.

As Deb becomes sicker and sicker with her terminal cancer, I always pull out this picture to remind myself how quickly your entire life can change. Practically in the blink of an eye.

My dearest Debbie,

I’ll be by your side until we kick this cancers ass, or I will gently hold you as you transition into another journey, but make no mistake, I’ll be there until the sweet bitter end if it comes to that. I’ll never let go!! I love you Deb♥️

My Son: Future Dr. Superstar M.D.

Student leaders at Louisiana Tech are making sure no-hazing policies and attitudes are enforced.

During my sons undergraduate studies, hazing became a national problem seen on University campuses across the nation. It seemed for a while that every time we turned on the news at night we would hear about another fraternity hazing event that would ultimately cost a young person their life, before it had ever begun.

My son, Payton, during his time at Louisiana Tech University was President of his fraternity, Delta Chi, and during that same time frame was also elected President of the entire Greek Council which oversaw all fraternity and sorority activities on campus.

This is a local news report dedicated to the ongoing hazing crisis and what local campus Greek leaders are saying and doing about it.

This mamma considers her baby boy an absolute celebrity due to his appearance and opinions.

www.knoe.com/content/news/Louisiana-Tech-is-cracking-down-on-hazing-447826083.html

The following is my brilliant sons (no I’m not biased😊) acceptance letter into medical school at Louisiana State University Shreveport. He has wanted to be a cardiac surgeon since he could utter that phrase. He maintained a 4.2 or above throughout elementary, middle and high school then went on to college on a full academic scholarship. There he was on the Presidents list all four years, was Mr. Louisiana Tech, a member of the Homecoming Court, volunteered every summer for four weeks with MedCamps (a special camp for children and adolescents with severe disabilities), held down not one, not two but three jobs and stayed on top of his many extracurricular activities all while keeping his grades up. He graduated with his degree in Pre-Med, Summa Cum Laude, in May 2018. Since then he has been working as a medical intern at TIRR Memorial Hermann hospital in Houston. Needless to say, I am one blessed Mom!

My son will only be twenty three years old on Valentines Day of this year. He has accomplished so very much in those 23 short years that I am absolutely in awe of his dedication, determination and work ethic.

I could not be any prouder if I tried!

Congratulations, my handsome son! Keep your feet on the ground but never keep reaching for the stars!

The Glory Hole Cafe

My amazing brother-in-law and I are quite the cooks in the family. He’s a commercial supervisor for a Heating and Cooling Company, I am a disabled housewife…..but long ago we decided that our collective retirement dream would be to open a restaurant called The Glory Hole Cafe.

Now as we all know, success in business comes with hard work, being good at what you do AND a catchy name for marketing strategies. Who wouldn’t want to eat at the Glory Hole?!?! I’d check it out just because the name makes me laugh. Glory Hole is not necessarily porno……a fisherman’s sweet spot is also called a Glory/Honey Hole, so I decided it would be a seafood restaurant to take off the porno innuendo, but sick fucks like myself would still consider the porno aspect of it. So tell me, my dear blogging family…..would you or would you not stop by and check out the Glory Hole Cafe & Gift Shop?!?

MiMi’s Angel Is Getting Christened

It’s 3:30am here and I can’t sleep a wink. I’m thinking that it’s because MiMi’s precious angel baby, grandson, Louis, is getting christened in less than six hours. Although I am personally not Catholic (my daughter converted the year prior to marrying my amazing son-in-law, who is a devout Catholic) I am wide awake with excitement of this momentous day for my sweetest cutie patootie!!

MiMi loves you big big my handsome little chunky monkey!!

Too my soft spoken, kind, compassionate, gentle souled baby girl……you were born to be a mother. As I watch my baby with her own baby, it makes my heart burst with pride and joy. You are so absolutely beautiful inside and out and are the most amazing first time mommy I’ve ever seen. I adore you and your sweet little family❣️

Unicorn Tears

It’s 2019 and we thought the unicorn food trend was behind us. We were wrong, because unicorn wine is now a thing.
www.purewow.com/news/gik-live-unicorn-tears-rose-wine

Holy Shit!! If you don’t want a glass of this shit, then you have no soul.

I mean, really?!?

I want to go cuddle a puppy right now, just because of the freaking name!! Unicorn Tears. In a bottle?? This is the kind of fuckery that I heart♥️♥️

Year of The Hot Mess Express

Sooooooo, I started a list of New Years Resolutions, after two and a half pages (front and back) I decided what in the monkey fuck am I thinking?!?! The reason why this list is so long is because I’m carrying shit over from the past twenty five years. If I haven’t kept said resolutions in that amount of time, I’ve decided that being me is fucking awesome/just awful (depending on which of my “personalities” you happen to grab bag at that particular moment) and that I don’t need any improvement, therefore this year the only resolution I have is to keep being fucking awesome/just awful. Keeping just this ONE will be a piece of cake. My List?? In the circular file where it should have been stored twenty five years ago😂😂

New Years Eve at our new house was perfect and the fireworks show from our own backyard was amazing! I love, love, love being back in the country and I especially love a bunch of rednecks hopped up on Budweiser on New Years Eve who happen to have cornered the market on ALL fireworks in Livingston Parish where we now reside.

Here hold my beer and watch this!! ‘Merica!😂😂😂

For You Fuckers That Don’t Think America is “That Great”

www.youtube.com/watch

If you feel that way, by all means GET THE FUCK OUT!!

Seriously, you pieces of shit, get out and let some of the legitimate, legal immigrants and asylum seekers take your place, because obviously THEY still think America’s the greatest nation in the world to the degree that they are literally fucking dying to get in!

To America’s soldiers, law enforcement, firefighters and first responders, you are the heart of this country and the glue that holds our society together with no regards to your own comfort and safety, thank each and every one of you from the most humble and grateful place in my heart. YOU ALL ARE HEROES!!

This My Friends Are Why I’m Still Proud To Be An American

Former Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole was helped out of his wheelchair Tuesday afternoon to salute the American flag-draped casket of former President George Herbert Walker Bush.

Dole, 95, arrived at the Capitol Rotunda — where Bush will lie in state until Wednesday — pushed in his wheelchair by an aide. Once at the casket’s side, the aide helped Dole stand. And as he was steadied, Dole raised his left arm and saluted.

No matter what political affiliation one is, no matter what side of the aisle your core beliefs lie, this life being celebrated by family, former colleagues, friends and everyday “Joes” was the life of a GOOD man. A kind man. A patriot.

As I reflect on his character and the way he treated the common person just the same as he treated heads of state is a testament of the kind of man “41” was. Faith, family and America were his priorities. His entire life. His unconditional, amazing love for his beautiful “Bar” is the kind of love story of which many little girls dream.

His was a life well lived and I would be willing to bet that Mr. Bush “went home” with few regrets as he lived his life with laughter, love and a zest for adventure. He was an amazing man to which all men (and women) should measure themselves against….although he would have never seen it that way because he was far to humble. Godspeed, Mr. President, you are gone but history will NEVER forget you.

When I try and take a picture…

When I try and take a picture…
— Read on m.facebook.com/story.php

These precious angels are my daughter and son-in-laws twin nephews. You have to watch it a few times to take it all in. This is so funny to me on so many different levels…..the first twin waiting for mom to count to three, the second twin taking a minute to realize he just got smacked and decide oh hell to the no and smacks the first one. The first twin being the instigator is not having it so he tees up for one more hit, then you see the second twin who got the last lick in hunkering down and making a face waiting for his payback clobber!! As an oldest sibling this tickles my evil little black sister heart! Why didn’t I think of this shit?!?!

MiMi’s World

Hi my friends and fellow bloggers, sorry I’ve been so quiet (for me anyway) the last few days. As you all know from my previous blog post, I became a MiMi to the cutest, sweetest, smartest grandson in the whole wide world and I AM SMITTEN.

I can barely take a second away from him…..I begged my daughter to let me stay the first few days at home with them and she sweetly turned me down and said they had to learn, that I couldn’t stay with them forever….the thing is I call BULLSHIT on that because I don’t care if I had to pitch a tent in their back yard….I would totally do it to be close to my grandbaby. I taught my kids to be self reliant and independent but if I knew it was going to jump up and bite me in the ass like this, I’d rather them still living with me at 40! Ha!

Having a new innocent life to worry about has my BPD anxiety in overdrive. I feel like I have an elephant sitting on my chest but in a good way if that’s not an oxymoron. Thanks to all for the kind words and well wishes!! They mean the world to me❤️

Participation Medals

The following is my opinion. Some of you may agree with me. Some of you may disagree with me. All I ask is if you choose to debate me on my topic that you be respectful of me and my opinion as I will be of you. I do not agree with the current political climate on either side of the isle and I think that the way that ALL of our elected officials show absolutely no civility or the ability to agree to disagree politely is appalling and if this continues will be the downfall of society and eventually the undoing of mankind itself. Deep shit for a fluffy blogger housewife, eh?!? That being said, here I go. Start rant:

When did participation medals start being the norm?? Don’t get me wrong who wants to see any child especially their own give it their all and walk away heartbroken anyway? As a parent I get this self esteem boosting, everyone is a winner mentality. I totally get it BUT I feel like that is just setting a child up for heartbreak later on in life because in this world there are winners and there are losers. Period. In sports, business, politics and just about every aspect of life. If children are getting participation medals throughout their lives and consider themselves #winning then get out in the real world what does that give you? I’ll tell you what it gives you, it gives you a generation of young adults throwing temper tantrums in society mainly on college campuses when they disagree or don’t get their way. Safe spaces because they don’t agree with election results for Pete’s sake?!?! Give me a fucking break. I don’t give sailing shit about Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton or 99.5% of all of the current politicians. I think they are all full of shit and are a VERY poor example as leaders for our youth. The thing is when you win, you learn to win graciously. When you lose, you learn to lose graciously, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and work your ass off that much harder in order to succeed. In my life I have won and I have lost but I can assure you, that I have NEVER, EVER been the recipient of a participation medal. As a matter of fact when my children were given participation medals I succinctly explained to them why, then asked that they politely return them. Harsh? I don’t think so. Both of my children are college graduates with my son starting medical school in January, they are gracious, successful, driven young adults who do not go to pieces when they don’t agree or things don’t go their way. This is my opinion and I’m sticking to it rant over.

Destin: Heaven On Earth

My husband and I returned from our seven-day vacation to Destin, Florida yesterday afternoon. What a glorious time we had. I was actually depressed to have to head home to Baton Rouge. I have totally fallen in love with the city of Destin and all of Okaloosa County. Everyone we met during our stay, from hotel check in clerks to waiters to cashiers at Wal-Mart and the many souvenir shops were super friendly. People from all walks of life, colors and ethnicitys all treated one another with dignity and respect with just a hint of that ”island” vibe mixed in for good measure. This beautiful place was our respite from our everyday doldrums, from all of the political BS blasting on every television around, and from the anger and divisiveness that seems to have our country in a choke hold.

What a wonderful reminder that we are all just people making our way through this crazy world, but there is also a better way to do so. We are currently looking at job openings in the area because all of our children are grown, we could pick up and move at moments notice. This beautiful place is where we want to end our careers and retire to. Destin is absolutely my Disneyland. The happiest place on earth!