Sweet Dreams

Insomnia. It’s such an awful bitch. Nights are the absolute worst. Dark and endless. I’ve always hated nights. Bad things happen in the dark. I am saying so from personal experience. I crave sleep like someone who is lost in the desert craves water. They eventually hallucinate and see beautiful mirages consisting of glistening pools of water. I hallucinate deep, dreamless sleep. It’s bad enough that during the daylight hours my mind is in constant turmoil. The night only increases the battle within to a fever pitch. Occasionally I doze fitfully only to have vivid, violent nightmares of other dark nights long past. The abominations perpetrated upon my person flicker rapidly across the back of my eyelids like a horror movie on fast forward. Although I am at the cusp of the shadow lands, I can feel my body writhe and my breathe quicken as the shadow serpent starts coiling itself around my body as I look into its cold dead eyes and watch its forked tongue touching my skin like an evil whisper I suddenly realize I can hear it. Over and over again it names every sin I’ve ever committed. I shudder as I feel the BPD Monster come out to join the macabre party and wrestle with the Serpent of sins past.

As the serpent continually repeats each sin it’s voice gets louder. Not to be outdone, the BPD Monster starts a litany of all of the sins committed against me. It has to scream to be heard over the Serpent who in turn gets louder to be heard over the Monster until it becomes a shrieking cacophony that eventually turns into a silent scream that my dozing body can’t lend a voice to. I’m frozen in terror. I gasp as I feel the Monster start to rage and the Serpent tighten its coils. Mercifully the gasp startles me awake. I bolt upright in my bed drenched in sweat and my heart galloping in my chest. “Another fucking nightmare”, I whisper to myself for reassurance. Truth be told I did it to make sure I was really awake. Really alive.

Waging this internal battle day and night is exhausting. Most days it manifests itself into excruciating physical pain. What a loathsome life to NEVER have a moments peace. One can not say that I have not tried to do something about this internal conflict. I religiously go to therapy and take my psychiatric medications, I paint, write, continuously clean and organize. I’ve tried acupuncture. I do guided meditations several times a day. Absolutely nothing has worked to block the horrific memories. At this point I don’t think anything short of a lobotomy, a psychiatric ward or death will stop them. They have become as much a part of me as my own body and the organs that keep me in the land of the living. If I thought amputating a limb would work I would saw that fucking limb off with a dull handsaw myself. Alas this is only wishful thinking. My eyes are red and gritty. My jaw has been clenched all night which has given me colossal headache. I toss back four Tylenol’s like they are Tic Tac candies. I listlessly flip through the channels and realize that not even the news is on anymore. Only endless infomercials hawking their shitty wares. Everyone is so happy and energetic. I realize that I envy these anonymous people. In my mind they all sleep just fine. No nightmares for these exultant people. I don’t wish to trade places with them though. Not even for a second. I wouldn’t wish my walking wounded crazy mind on my worst enemy much less some gleeful strangers. So as usual, I will fight the good fight for another short day and another long night. I tell myself, “I am Sparta”, like an encouraging mantra.

At last the sun is slowly ascending the sky. I am finally able to unclench my jaw and reach for the eye drops that have taken up permanent residence on my night stand. Tonight was by far not my first rodeo. As I stand I hear every joint in my body screech in protest as they crackle and pop. I have a moment of vertigo that insists that I sit back down. I know exactly how this day is going to go by the way it has started.

Moral of this story?

The early bird does not get “the worm”. The early bird does not get shit except a lot less sleep than everyone else.

Sweet Dreams.

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13 Comments

  1. Christ Bella! This goes on every single night? I can’t fathom what that must be like. Have you ever thought of getting one of those dental mouth guards? I used to get headaches from grinding and clenching my teeth at night, and the mouth guard certainly helped end that shit show. They pour some plastic goop in a form, place it along your upper plate, and make a soft synthetic mold that fits like a glove. It deflects and distributes the pressure. This won’t do shit for your nightmare obviously, but perhaps it could make one thing a little better

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for recommending that, Steve. That’s a fantastic idea. I have never thought of that. It looks like I have another genius follower. It boggles my mind how many intelligent people I have met through my blog. Just about the time I thought the whole damn world was a dog and pony shitshow, I started blogging and BAM, I found out where all of the intellectuals hang out.
      The amount of advice and encouragement that I get from my fellow bloggers in one day is more than anyone has ever given me in my whole life. Connecting with people that understand me has given me immense joy. I am so honored to be a part of such a lovely group of people.
      Seriously I’m totally grateful to you for such a great idea. I’m forever in your debt😊

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I recently found out that if one isn’t sleeping, or sleeping well – mental health is the first thing down the crapper. Next time you see your doc, bring it up. In the meantime – Sleepy Time Tea? Melatonin?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve tried it all. Those NyQuil, a metric shit ton of Benadryl, Ambien, fucking Seroquel. Nothing. My next move is paying someone to shot me in the neck with a blow dart full of horse tranquilizers. Jesus Harold Christ, Mary M., poor ole Joe and all of the god damn saints, if I don’t get some sleep soon I’m going to truly lose my shit. I’m so sleep deprived I think someone keeps whispering to me and no one is home but me. To be Frank, it’s freaking me the fuck out just a smidge😏

      Like

      • Too bad medical marijuana isn’t something you can get for BPD (or is it?) I certainly don’t advocate being stoned all day long, but one of the things that comes with my progressive MS is a leg that thrashes every night and a heightened sense of anxiety. A toke or two on my vape pen and it chills me out, calms the leg, and therefore allows me to get to,sleep faster.

        Liked by 1 person

        • It actually is something that qualifies, as does my complex PTSD. I live in Louisiana so I have a prescription already. The numbnut politicians down here in the good ole South are dragging their feet and keep pushing back the date for a dispensary opening in my area. Those fuckers sure didn’t drag their feet when they were getting Willie Nelson stoned on a Louisiana Saturday night sitting on the tailgate of their diesel trucks drinking Budweiser in a can. Fucking fuckers😂

          Liked by 1 person

        • Lol!! Out of the mouths of babes (I used to think when I was a kid, that a babe was someone who was handsome, beautiful or attractive). You are a handsome gentleman hence the out of the mouth of babes quote. Haha! Really I truly appreciate your advice and encouragement, Steve😊

          Liked by 1 person

      • Yeah – I can’t like any of that. I take a ridiculous dose of Depakote, with an even more ridiculous side of Gabapentin, because that fucking Restless Leg shit feeds on Depakote. Then’ depending on my back and or anxiety, I may add some other goodies.
        Babes, I say this with much love, but if you can’t fucking sleep, see your doctor. Grab him by the balls and squeeze until he hands over the tranq gun. You can’t be living on no sleep. Worst case scenario is going to the hospital. In my book, you’re getting to the point of emergency care, and that scares me.

        Like

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