New Year, Same Mentally Fucking Insane Me

New year, same me. One can take all of the right meds, go to fucking therapy, write, blog, create, craft and read EVERY single fucking book, article or medical paper on Borderline Personality Disorder, but nothing truly helps. I’ve given my best fighting this monster and all it does is destroy me and anyone or anything that I love. I’m so fucking tired of being shattered into a million pieces……empty and dark…..or angry and vicious. This disorder IS NOT ME, but it tells and shows the whole fucking world that it is. I’m not even sure I know the difference anymore. Is the monster me? Or am I the monster?

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26 Comments Add yours

  1. Iggy says:

    I don’t have BPD but I do have BP. I can relate. Sometimes it feels like fighting it is futile. I hope this new year is a better one for you. I’m just hoping to keep my head above water at best.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hate that for you so fucking much. I wouldn’t wish feeling this way on ANYONE. When the water gets to deep, just keep swimming my friend. It’s all that we can do😕

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I wish you peace and happiness, my friend!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am sorry to hear you are struggling. I really hope you can find ways to cope with this. I have bi-polar and I can understand to a certain extent. Keep fighting

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so very much for taking the time to lift me up. As a fellow sufferer, I understand what a tremendous toll it takes to encourage another during your own struggles. It means the world to me💕💕

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes part of my healing to is to support others and let people know they are not alone. Its my mission to encourage others, friend. I hope you have a wonderful new years

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you. You are a great gift to me as you are to many, I’m sure. I wish the same for you my friend.

          Liked by 1 person

  4. madmegsblog says:

    Holy fuck. You just described exactly what i”ve been thinking. I just finished reading a ridiculously inspiring memoir of a homeless girl who gets her hs diploma AND gets in to Harvard and I can’t even get off the couch and shower most days. I feel numb, and then I feel awful. I feel numb, exhausted, numb, exhausted….you know the cycle. Happy FUCKING NEW year. Cheers to being honest. Let’s try and make 2019 a decent one. I’m not asking for miracles here, but let’s climb this stupid bipolar mountain together and with others, in hopes we can all get to the top (probably with a few slips and falls downhill I’m sure) at some point in the future. My thoughts are with you girl and cheers to being you! Even if some days, you don’t know who that is. Some days I’d like to be a fucking rock star, but hey…that requires some talent so that dream is out the window. ;0 Love and light, girl…and laughs. We gotta cling to those.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, thank you, thank you…..while I feel enormous empathy and compassion for you, a small selfish sliver of me feels better that another human being truly understands the struggle. It’s so fucking exhausting to constantly have chaos happening in your mind and body.
      Thank you for your sweet encouraging words even as you struggle yourself. Selflessness of that magnitude towards me means more than you will ever know.
      Love and positive vibes right back at you.
      BTW, you’re a rock star in my eyes😎

      Liked by 1 person

      1. madmegsblog says:

        I totally get you and I got your back girl.
        P.S. thanks for sayin I’m a rockstar 😉

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thanks for having my back and not thinking I suck😉🥰

          Liked by 1 person

        2. madmegsblog says:

          You are the absolute opposite of ‘suck’. I think you are pretty fucking awesome. 🙂

          Like

  5. Billy Mac says:

    it’s a monster inside you. I lived with someone with it for many, many years. Keep fighting the good fight, it looks to me like you’re doing great. It’s part of you, use it

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your perspective! That is the thing that I love most about my blogging family, a new way of looking at things that I have been staring down for so long, I get in a rut and don’t always see or realize that there are other options. I am very much a fighter (shocker right?!?) and it will take a hell of a lot more than a shitty mental illness and some bad days to keep me down. I really respect and admire your opinions, so thank you again for taking the time to voice it💕

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Billy Mac says:

        I’m here for you. even though you don’t read ME anymore. LOL

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I’m here for you as well, I complained in a previous blog about how in the beginning I followed everyone that followed me…..wellllll that left me with a heap of things I may or may not have been interested in reading, leaving the blogs I follow because I love them lost in all of the clutter fuckery. I’m working on weeding out blogs I’m not interested in but it’s tedious and time consuming…..oh and patience for things like that is not one of my better, personality traits😉

          Liked by 1 person

        2. Billy Mac says:

          interact with those that interact with you. A lot of people follow you just so you will follow them. Others, like me, are true blue and will stay with you on your journey

          Liked by 1 person

        3. That’s exactly what I’m trying to whittle my following list down to. I was following like a thousand blogs or some obscene amount. I had no idea why until I was not seeing the ones I really wanted to see in my feed. It’s much more of a time consuming pain in the ass to unfollow (because one is trying to make sure not to unfollow the ones I want) than it is to follow.

          Liked by 1 person

        4. Billy Mac says:

          I always enjoy your feedback and that of others that make an effort. There are certain blogs, like yours, I make a point to keep up with. I have it in my head

          Liked by 1 person

      2. Billy Mac says:

        you have a great blog. You’re relatable. Hell you have more followers than I do and I’ve been doing it a whole year longer! that says something

        Liked by 1 person

        1. It’s only because I cuss a lot, and am off the charts crazy….I actually think some people feel better about themselves after reading what a hot mess I am 98% of the time.
          I also REALLY say what most other polite, civilized grown ups only think. So there’s that😂😂

          Like

        2. Thank you so much for following me. I decided when I started this blog to be my total genuine and authentic self.

          Like

        3. Billy Mac says:

          you certainly couldn’t be acting. And after all, we just want to be read. I’m no exception

          Liked by 1 person

  6. One of my New Years resolutions that I’ll actually keep is to seek your blog out if I don’t see it in my feed at least a few times a week. I love your blog too. You make adversity your bitch and I admire that greatly!

    Like

  7. Liz says:

    Ah, babe…I hate that you feel like you are dealing with a monster, and sometimes that monster is you. Some days it’s like trying to get lard off your hands, it just goes and sticks someplace else. Others, it’s easier than changing your socks. Diseases of the mind are fucking evil, but thank the Universe, we’re not at a time where people paid to see us in cages, covered in our own crap, because it was “entertaining”. Together, we move forward, and bring some real fucking humanity and faces to this mess, and educate people that it isn’t a gimmick. This shit is real. If it weren’t, would Big Pharma be making a living off of me? LOL.
    Love you to the ends of the Universe!

    Liked by 1 person

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